1. HE LIVES IN THE COUNTRYSIDE
We moved out of Bristol into Somerset. We just wanted a 'better life' for him, and to let him be closer to nature. What middle class wankers!
2. HE DEMANDS TO WEAR RED CORDUROY TROUSERS.
I would never be seen dead in these, but somehow they have ingrained themselves permanently into his wardrobe. He has two pairs of red trousers and will always choose to wear them by brute force if necessary. I think I should submit him to the Look at my Fucking Red Trousers website.
3. HE LOVES TRACTORS, ESPECIALLY TRACTOR TED.
See above image. Not only is he wearing a check shirt, but it has the Tractor Ted logo. Need I explain that this is his favourite shirt? What a middle class sod, watching tv programmes about tractors. I'm the same, I love it, it's deeply relaxing after a hard day of a child screaming to just chill out watching a combine harvester go to town on a field. Deeply relaxing. See, I even write like a middle class twat. This is worrying and I haven't even got half way through writing this. Have I created this monster myself?
4. HE KEEPS PUTTING BEAR NIBBLES PURE FRUIT YO YOS IN MY SHOPPING BASKET.
How could I possibly refuse him when he shoves it in the basket, his little blue eyes imploring me as if to say, "There's no sulphites or stabilisers in these, dad. No added sugars. They handpick their farmers for crying out loud! Don't you f$%$ing dare deny me my five a day. "
5. HE WEARS CHECKED MOCCASIN SLIPPERS FROM THE LITTLE WHITE COMPANY.
Ok. Granted, these are pretty nice. As soon as we saw them we knew our little Prince must have them. Ugh. I hate myself. £22 for some slippers, but they're totes yolo swag for the discerning child with cold feet, right? But even the name of them, 'checked moccasin slippers' is giving me the creeps now.
6. WHENEVER WE GO FOR A COFFEE, HE INSISTS ON HAVING A BABYCCINO.
And then he will sip it with a smug look on his face. If you're uninitiated with babyccinos, it's a dirty middle class thing. You are desperate for coffee all the time, and the chilled out life you once lived, sitting in blissful silence reading the Guardian and letting the pressures of the week slide away. So what you do is 'sell' a trip to a cafe to your child by bribing them with cake and a babyccino. Only you don't get to read the paper any more because they are screaming about something, and throwing cake at you. Don't even get me started on how 90% of places don't know how to make a good babyccino and how they will present your child with a scalding hot, gigantic mug of milk with no foam, while you wordlessly mouth "nooo" as your toddler starts drinking it.
If you're a barista wondering how to make a good babyccino? Well for one, it shouldn't burn my kid's mouth. I think it should be at least half foam, so a lot like a capuccino, and have a sprinkling of chocolate powder, and come in a toddler sized mug to avoid it being dropped by tired hands.
7. HE HAS PUKKA HERBS ORGANIC ELDERBERRY SYRUP FOR HIS LITTLE AILMENTS.
My son is so disgustingly bourgeois I actually heard him say, "Want my herbs," recently.
'Prevention is better than cure' they say, and this syrup contains elderberry juice, ginger, thyme, manuka honey 14+, trikatu and supports seasonal health, it's good in winter for keeping the immune system up. And it will stain the living shit out of anything it touches. Especially when you use a spoon and your psychotic toddler flails his arm at you because he's ill.
Once you learn how to avoid spilling it, this is a decent product. It's worth noting it is vegetarian, wheat free, gluten free, dairy free, and has no soya or added sugar and I have noticed a benefit to his health when we've used it. It's good for coughs and colds and most illnesses that come in winter.
8. HE HAS LUCY BEE EXTRA VIRGIN ORGANIC RAW COCONUT OIL IN HIS MORNING PORRIDGE.
I know, it shames me to write this all down. But click that link if you're interested in the benefits of cooking with pure coconut oil. This particular product is natural and has had no refinement, bleaching or deodorising whatsoever, and this sort of information is of course like crack to any vaguely hippy or earth loving middle class folk who live in the countryside,
Apparently people use it in their hair, give it to their pets and also use it to unstick a zip, grease the garden shears, ease a lock, and Lucy Bee even state that their local health food store unjammed the photocopier with their coconut oil! How delightfully middle class of them.
9. HE LIKES HAPPY MANDARIN BUBBLE BATH BY EARTH FRIENDLY BABY
This checklist is like porn for the middle classes.
- Dermatologically approved for baby sensitive skin
- Free from any nasties like SLS or parabens and no artificial fragrances or colours
- 99.2% Natural
- 50.4% Organic
- Certified organic cosmetic by Ecocert Greenlife
- Eco friendly packaging
- Made in the UK
- No animal testing
10. HE LOVES NAKD BARS BY NATURAL BALANCE FOODS
The cocoa orange ones are the best. Many a time has this hungry, tired dad taken one of these from the kitchen cupboard or begged him to share his Nakd Bar with me.
The official description on the site says they are made from just raw fruits and nuts lovingly 'smooshed' together. Containing 100% natural ingredients with no added sugars or syrups, these bars are also wheat, dairy and gluten free, and bursting with yummy goodness. There, they've bolded the wheat and gluten free bit, because that sort of thing is important to health conscious middle class people.
11. HE LIKES DR KARG CRISPBREAD.
Whole Earth Organic Peanut Butter (naturally, it had to be organic, and is suitable for vegans) and then lick it off, leaving the crispbread half finished and I then get to have the sloppy seconds. If you want to know an amazing life hack for when you're really tired, hungry, and can't be arsed to make a proper meal, these are ideal for a snack. They're healthy, satisfying and you can put any middle class organic spread of your choosing on them. Or French cheese. Whatever. Go wild! These ones are spelt, and have three types of seed but they also do a nice Emmental cheese and pumpkin seed variant. Organic, wholegrain, and so on. I like them because they have a funky name, and they have a satisfying crunch to them, I actually find them quite filling. It looks like they now do a chia seed and oat version, although I've never seen these in the shops.
12. He HAS A PROBIOTIC. SYNBIOTIC CHILDREN'S POWDER, BY VIRIDIAN
Now I won't confess to knowing a lot about this stuff, but it more links back to the idea that preventing illness is better than curing it. Sounds stupid, but it is a widely believed in many different cultures around the world. Even the NHS Institute for Innovation and Improvement is starting to recognise it.
According to the Viridian website, this is an expert formulation comprising good gut bacteria (commonly known as probiotics) with added ‘prebiotics’. It contains 'good gut' bacteria, Lactobacilli and Bifidobacteria. Then it all becomes a bit of a mouthful - the unique Prebiotic FS2-60 offers full-spectrum prebiotic oligosaccharide and plant-derived inulin. FS2-60 is not digested but is utilised by the friendly flora to increase colonisation of Lactobacilli and the Bifidobacteria whilst reducing the foothold of unfriendly species. It also contains Vitamin C and because it's a powder, it can be stirred into drinks or mixed into his food. How awfully posh of him.
This is useful for fending off bugs, and bouts of diarrhoea.
13. AND FINALLY, HIS FAVOURITE FRUIT IS BLUEBERRIES.
It''s a superfood, innit. It's an obvious choice for his middle class tastes and comes with the added bonus of staining everything in sight.
My son is a posh little sod, and it's all my fault.
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