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Sunday, 17 July 2016

Dad's Potty Training Diary: Germ Warfare

Nothing says you’re a parent more that walking into a nice café while clutching a piss soaked Thomas the Tank Engine potty.

An old man stares in abject terror as the child then picks it up a few minutes later and starts swinging it, while a piss particle perilously slants towards the plastic precipice, threatening to jump off into his americano.

But I’m pleased to report that potty training has gone very well so far. You just have to get over the fact that germs are everywhere, especially when he’s insisting on standing up to do it just like daddy.
This is a whole new ball game, as I’m sure parents of boys will understand. There’s not a lot you can do when your boy dangles his meat and two veg on top of the porcelain, while you say “Noooo” in slow motion.

Especially when he’s then delightedly flopping it up and down on the germ coated rim. 

This is an absolute minefield when you’re in a public toilet, I always feel like he needs a hosedown with a pressure washer afterwards. 

He recently acquired some mysterious brown substance on his hand when we were at the park, and I’ve always had the philosophy that if it looks like shit , smells like shit, and it’s on a toddler’s hands then it’s definitely been ejected from an arsehole at some point.

So off we went to the nearest public toilet, while I’m there terrified, shouting, “Don’t touch your face, don’t touch your clothes, hold your arm out at the side. Hold your palm open.”

And then, when we got there, I was stood right by the stinking urinals holding him up to one of those steel hand wash stations, while we got him sorted.

I digress. As a blogger I think you’re supposed to say what your views are on the subject of potty training. My view is that we felt we wouldn’t rush it, and wait til he was ready for it.

He’s 3 and a quarter now and was using pull up nappies, getting himself dressed in the morning, taking off the piss sodden nappy from the night before and then putting on a fresh one, so it seemed the right time. 

I'm really proud of how he's taken to it like a duck to water. Good job, kid.
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  1. So many jokes. SO many jokes. But I won't go there. Suffice to say this is a fab post that made me belly laugh. I'm not a boy (at least, I don't think I am...) but I remember clear as day my mum barking at me not to touch A SINGLE THING in those god-awful toilets with all the steel hand-washing paraphernalia and a few used needles erupting proudly from the sani bin. Not even going to linky hashtag this because I've read it purely off my own (piss) steam. Not really, I wee mineral water, but you get the gist.

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