WHAT AN ABSOLUTELY MENTAL DAY THAT WAS.
- I woke up to what sounded like tanks and gunfire in my ear. It was just a toddler watching Monster Trucks on an iPhone. How do they find these shows on YouTube exactly? He's 3 years old.
- Was snitched on for putting my hand in the bin, "because it dirty an a mouse was in dere de other day."
- Was then told off and snitched on for having the last of the maple syrup.
- Had a moment where my son was screaming for no apparent reason for 10 minutes, which started off a chain reaction of arguments.
- Quietly rage-drank coffee for a while, hoping all the bad things might stop.
- Got the toddler dressed and out of the house but closed the door on his fingers by accident.
- He screamed and was quickly ushered indoors to avoid concerned looks from the neighbours.
- Got first degree stinging nettle burns on my leg when getting into my car (karma).
- Took him to watch lawnmower racing at the Mendip Mower Racing Family Festival. We were both mesmerised. (You can see a video of it on my Instagram.)
- Bought an inflatable mallet with acid house smiley faces on it.
- Had an ice cream (or what little he would let me have of it).
- Managed to get him off for a nap without having to push the stroller (must be a fluke).
- Went to the park and watched him shout Old MacDonald while looking like he was humping and riding a tractor.
- Found it so funny I made a thug life video of it. It's probably not that funny but I keep chuckling when I watch it. (Head over to Facebook to watch it.)
- Nearly lost my temper when he wouldn't get his balance bike out of the middle of the road and several cars had to wait for what felt like years.
- Finally got him home. Had no food, wife stuck in traffic for an hour with food. We ate rice crackers with peanut butter like desperate men.
- Told him about the traffic delay. Melted when he said "We could go and save her and rescue her from da traffic."
- Left him in the garden for 5 minutes, and when I returned he said "I been busy workin. Look I maded a mud pie."
"You no like my mud pie daddy?"
- Wife returned home, everyone was happy.
- Ate a picnic in the garden and watched him strip off and almost dip his meat and two veg in the beetroot and goats cheese salad.
- Died laughing. Got told off by wife.
- Everyone was tired in the kitchen. Suddenly there were sounds of a scene outside. Loud squeaking, and my wife screaming, "Tink's got a mouse."
- Quickly locked the catflap to keep the threat outside.
- Witnessed the mouse sprinting towards me through a tiny gap under the door.
- Jumped out of my skin. Everyone screams. Mouse ominously disappears behind IKEA circus tent.
- Wife shouted, "Get that bloody cat in. This is her problem, she can help us find it."
- Bring cat in but can't help telling her off. Cat runs away in shame.
- Chased the mouse for 5 minutes around the house while wife stood on a chair screaming and and the toddler shouted, "I don't like it I don't like it I don't like it."
- It was the fastest mouse I've ever seen in my life, it was like trying to catch Cristiano Ronaldo and at one point it surprised me by sprinting over my bare foot from underneath the sofa. The shock of it made me scream.
- Just as he was running at me again I managed to throw a Charlie Bigham's pie container over it. Aiming ahead of it like I was shooting a clay pigeon.
- Everyone cheered, and I feel like a hero. I let the mouse out the front door to freedom.
- Got hit with the inflatable mallet when I was lying down. We laughed like crazy but then all the laughing made us get over excited. I accidentally let out an obscene, humongous fart like a slipstream from a jet fighter. It made my son love me, and my wife retch simultaneously.
- Kissed the boy goodnight. He comments, "You shouldn't get grumpy at Tink cos she catches da mouses so you can put 'em in da bin."
- Tidied up the house as a team. Feeling absolutely shattered but like I wouldn't change a thing.
Dadlife. What a day.
You can also subscribe to Dad's Diary on Instagram or Facebook: